Sophia: Blanche, a terrible thing has happened to you. But when life does something like this, there are a couple of things you got to remember. You got your health, right?Blanche: Yeah.
Sophia: You can still walk, can't you?
Blanche: That's true.
Sophia: Great, go get me a glass of water
Sophia: If this sauce were a person, I'd get naked and make love to it.
[Sophia is noisily eating Fritos. Dorothy gets very annoyed]
Dorothy: MA, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP THAT!
Sophia: These are FRITOS, Dorothy. What do you want me to do, swallow them whole?
[The girls are sick. Sophia tells a story]
Sophia: In Sicily, we never went to the doctor. We went to the Widow Caravelli. Whatever you had, she had a cure. She was most famous for her green salve to cure ear infections. One day, she gave some to Salvadore, the village idiot. He misunderstood the directions and put in on his linguine instead of in his ear.
Dorothy: Well, I guess if you're an idiot with a hearing problem, you do things like that.
Sophia: Actually, it turned out ok. The stuff tasted great, so Salvadore decided to market it. At first, things didn't go so well. Linguine with Ear Salve wasn't very appetizing. But once he changed the name to Pesto Sauce, it sold like hot cakes!
Dorothy: Ma, you're making this up!
Sophia: So what? I'm old, I'm supposed to be colorful.
Dorothy: Anyway, Ma told me that once I started shaving I'd never be able to stop. I mean, she said I'd regret it for the rest of my life because my legs would have bristles.
Sophia: I was right! By the time you were sixteen I could grate cheese on your knees!
[Sophia is noisily eating Fritos. Dorothy gets very annoyed]
Dorothy: MA, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP THAT!
Sophia: These are FRITOS, Dorothy. What do you want me to do, swallow them whole?
[The girls are sick. Sophia tells a story]
Sophia: In Sicily, we never went to the doctor. We went to the Widow Caravelli. Whatever you had, she had a cure. She was most famous for her green salve to cure ear infections. One day, she gave some to Salvadore, the village idiot. He misunderstood the directions and put in on his linguine instead of in his ear.
Dorothy: Well, I guess if you're an idiot with a hearing problem, you do things like that.
Sophia: Actually, it turned out ok. The stuff tasted great, so Salvadore decided to market it. At first, things didn't go so well. Linguine with Ear Salve wasn't very appetizing. But once he changed the name to Pesto Sauce, it sold like hot cakes!
Dorothy: Ma, you're making this up!
Sophia: So what? I'm old, I'm supposed to be colorful.
Dorothy: Anyway, Ma told me that once I started shaving I'd never be able to stop. I mean, she said I'd regret it for the rest of my life because my legs would have bristles.
Sophia: I was right! By the time you were sixteen I could grate cheese on your knees!
[Sophia is making dinner.]
Rose: Mmmmm, Sophia! The kitchen smells wonderful. Is it Chef Boyardee?
Sophia: [holds up a knife] Stick it in my heart, Rose, it'll hurt less!
Sophia: [holds up a knife] Stick it in my heart, Rose, it'll hurt less!
(Photo courtesy of Stuff.)
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